When someone close to us dies, moves away, or chooses to step out of our lives, we experience the loss on a very personal level, shaped by the relationship we had with that individual. While grief is one of the few experiences we all share, it never looks the same from person to person.
Let’s explore how temperament can also affect the way we process and express our emotions. Understanding how temperament can influence our actions can increase patience, tolerance, and compassion for ourselves and others.
While I understand grief and teach others how to identify and resolve unresolved emotions, my more than 30 years of experience assessing personalities has also shown me that temperament can play a significant role in how we choose to process emotional pain. Through a Personality Dimensions® lens, we are reminded of the importance of respecting individual differences.
Different ways of expressing grief can easily be misinterpreted as distance, indifference, or a lack of emotional pain. For example, one person may focus on taking care of tasks, while another openly reflects on memories and the connection they shared. Others may not display much emotion at all, choosing instead to save their tears for private moments. Some may become more curious and reflective, while others simply want to feel needed. Still others may attempt to lighten the mood with humour and activity.
One way is neither right nor wrong. They are simply different ways of showing up in the world and processing an experience that is deeply personal.
When these differences aren’t understood, they can create misunderstandings:
“Why aren’t they crying? Doesn’t he care?”
“Why can’t she hold it together?”
What appears to be a difference in grieving can quickly become judgment, and judgment can multiply the pain of loss. Recognizing that grief can be shaped by temperament helps us move from judgment to compassion.
While every person is unique, Personality Dimensions® can provide a broader awareness of how people may express and process their grief. Let’s take a deeper look.
Inquiring Greens
Inquiring Greens are driven by a need to understand. They may grieve by asking questions, reflecting on the “why,” or seeking philosophical frameworks to make sense of the loss. They may appear distant or overly analytical, but often they are simply processing internally.
Organized Golds
Organized Golds find stability in structure and responsibility. They may appear to be focused on what needs to be done: funeral arrangements, meals, paperwork, or keeping routines steady. This can look “practical” to others, but it is often how they find meaning, and a sense of control during difficult times.
Resourceful Oranges
Resourceful Oranges may express grief in bursts. They may need activity, movement, or distraction, showing resilience one moment and breaking down the next. Sometimes they turn to humour or action as a coping mechanism, which others may misread as avoidance. What can appear to be scattered energy may be an intentional way of moving through the pain.
Authentic Blues
Authentic Blues are deeply connected to relationships, conversations, and helping others. They may need to talk, share memories, and feel connected to those around them. Their grief can be deep and visible, and they may long for comfort, understanding, and reassurance. And yes, they often seek hugs.
Introversion and Extraversion
The Introversion/Extraversion dimension adds another layer to how we experience grief.
Introverts often need space and privacy to process, reflecting with themselves or with a few close family members or friends. Extraverts may find healing through conversation, storytelling, or being surrounded by others.
It can be difficult to understand when an introverted friend or family member doesn’t want to join larger gatherings, particularly right away. Their need for solitude is not necessarily a sign that they care less or are grieving less. It may simply be what they need to process their emotions.
Both ways are valid, and both deserve respect.
One of the most loving things we can do is honour the fact that grief looks different for each of us. What feels healing to one person may feel overwhelming, uncomfortable, or even empty to someone else.
Respect means not forcing our own style of grieving onto others. It means recognizing that we are all different and allowing each person the space to grieve in the way that is right for them.
A Few Reminders
- Resist the urge to compare. “They’re taking it better than I am,” or “They should be grieving more.”
- Offer empathy instead of judgment. Try asking, “I see you’re grieving differently than I am. What do you need right now?”
- Remember that grief is not static. Someone who is quiet today may want to talk tomorrow. Someone who is busy taking care of tasks today may break down later.
- Don’t assume that what you see is the whole story. Grief can be deeply personal and may be expressed privately, internally, or in ways we don’t immediately recognize.
Offering Support Through a Temperament Perspective
- Inquiring Greens: Respect their need for space and reflection. Be careful not to interpret their questioning or internal processing as aloofness or a lack of emotion.
- Organized Golds: They may appreciate having tasks or arrangements to manage. Allow them the freedom to take care of what needs to be done while offering support when needed.
- Resourceful Oranges: Join them in an activity or accept that they may grieve in bursts. Movement, action, and even humour may be part of how they navigate their emotions.
- Authentic Blues: Offer conversation, connection, shared memories, and comfort. Hold space by being a heart with ears. Understand that talking and connecting may be an important part of how they process their grief.
Most importantly, give yourself permission to grieve your way; without apology.
Grief is not a competition.
When grief looks different, it isn’t a sign of more or less love. It reflects our unique personalities and the ways we navigate one of life’s hardest journeys.
Personality Dimensions® reminds us that one of the greatest gifts we can offer is respect for those differences.
So, the next time you witness someone grieving in a way that doesn’t look like your own, pause before making assumptions.
They may not be grieving less.
They may simply be grieving their way.
And that is okay.
Tammy Adams, Certified Coach Practitioner offering support, online, Canada-wide. She is certified in The Grief Recovery Method®, Personality Dimensions™, Reiki, Access Bars®, and Mindfulness. To learn more about the services she offers, book a 20-minute free phone consult, or visit her service tab on her website at http://tadams.ca/