There appears to be a widespread belief in our society that grief can somehow be managed or controlled. The implication is that grief is a problem to be solved rather than an emotional experience to be acknowledged, felt, and ultimately resolved.
We are often told to learn to live with our grief, adjust to our loss, move forward while carrying the weight, navigate our grief, or simply learn to cope. While these phrases are usually well intentioned, they can unintentionally suggest that grief is something we are meant to carry forever rather than move through.
When grief is misunderstood in this way, it can interfere with the natural healing process. Instead of encouraging emotional completion, these messages may leave us feeling trapped in an endless cycle of pain that weighs us down and affects every aspect of our daily lives.
Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. What we need are the right tools to honour the experience, understand it, and move through it. That is where healing begins.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the emotional response to any significant loss. It includes:
- The loss of someone or something meaningful.
- The wishes we have for how things could have been different.
- Dreams, hopes, and expectations that never came to fruition.
- The words left unspoken and the moments left unfinished.
The depth of our grief is shaped by the unique relationship we had with the person who is no longer in our lives or by the significance of the event that changed us. No one else experienced that relationship exactly as we did, which is why no one can fully know the depth of our pain.
Are There Stages of Grief?
Every person’s grieving journey is unique. While many people are familiar with the idea of “stages of grief,” grief does not unfold in the same predictable sequence for everyone. There is no universal roadmap that every grieving person follows.
What many people do experience are common symptoms of grief, which can appear differently for each individual. These may include:
- Difficulty concentrating or focusing.
- Emotional or physical numbness—or both.
- Shock or disbelief.
- Changes in sleeping patterns.
- Changes in appetite.
- Intense emotional highs and lows.
- Significant loss of energy or unexpected bursts of energy.
- Withdrawal or isolation.
- Anxiety.
- Fear.
- Feeling overwhelmed.
There may not be stages, but unresolved grief can leave us feeling stuck. Over time, pain can become so familiar that we develop an unexpected loyalty to it. Although it is uncomfortable, it can begin to feel like the only way we know how to live.
Healing becomes possible when we are given the opportunity to complete what has been left emotionally unfinished.
What Should We Avoid Saying?
When someone has experienced an emotional loss, even well-intentioned words can unintentionally minimize their experience. Phrases to avoid include:
- “I know how you feel.”
- “Be strong for…”
- “Be grateful you had them for so long.”
- “Keep busy.”
- “They lived a full life.”
- “It was God’s will.”
- “You should be over it by now.”
- “You need to move on.”
- “It just takes time.”
What Is More Helpful to Say?
Support begins with presence, curiosity, and compassion rather than advice.
Instead, consider saying:
- “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.”
- “I can’t imagine how heartbreaking this loss is for you.”
- “What was your relationship with them like?”
- “Would you like to tell me about them?”
- “What happened?”
- “How did you find out?”
Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is simply to listen.
Allow people to share their story without interrupting, judging, trying to fix their pain, offering advice, or comparing their experience to your own.
Resist the urge to respond with a story about one of your own losses. While it may be intended as empathy, it can unintentionally shift the focus and invite comparison. Every loss is different, and every person’s grief deserves its own space.
Compassion is often expressed most powerfully through respectful, attentive listening.
Moving Through Grief
No matter our age, profession, education, or life experience, every one of us will encounter grief.
When grief is dismissed, ignored, stored away, or placed on an imaginary timeline, it can prevent us from fully engaging with the life that still lies ahead.
The difficult truth is that healing requires us to move through our pain—not over it, under it, around it, or away from it. When we suppress our feelings or try to compartmentalize them, we often prolong the grieving process instead of allowing it to unfold naturally.
My Hope
My goal is to help normalize conversations about grief.
I hope to challenge the misinformation that surrounds it and create a warm, compassionate, and emotionally safe space where grieving people feel seen, heard, and supported as they explore and complete their unresolved emotions.
Grieving is normal.
What is not natural is our determination to deny or manage its existence.
Tammy Adams, Certified Coach Practitioner offering support, in-person or online, Canada-wide. She is certified in The Grief Recovery Method®, Personality Dimensions™, Reiki, Access Bars®, and Mindfulness. To learn more about the services she offers, book a 20-minute free phone consult, or visit her service tab on her website at http://tadams.ca/