In this guest blog I am sharing the wisdom of Lisa Cook is a Personality Dimensions® Level II Facilitator. I hope you find this blog helpful.
When an immediate family member passed away, it was very sudden, and it hit each of us a little differently. Grief is one of the few experiences we all share, yet it never looks the same from person to person. One family member is focused on taking care of the tasks at hand, showing little emotion; another is openly reflecting on past memories and more emotional. In the case of my family, some cried immediately; for others, it has been very gradual, like a slow dripping faucet, and often private.
As for me? With my Inquiring Green and Introverted energy, I have been curious and reflective as I notice how we’re all showing our grief a little differently, which led me to writing this post. I’m also Authentic Blue, and I just want to be there for everyone and avoid stepping on any toes. When I was tasked with writing the obituary and putting together a video for the service, I was grateful to be of use, to be needed.
Our family has been brought closer together through this tragedy and my husband and I are so grateful. Everyone has been treating each other with respect, and even more importantly, with love. At times of grief, that’s not always the case.
Different personalities can bring different ways of showing grief, causing confusion or even tension: one person cries openly, another throws themselves into practical details, someone else withdraws into silence, and another tries to keep things light with humour. Each response may reflect a different way of coping—and importantly, none of them is “wrong.”
I’ve been reminded how varied grief can be. Watching the different ways family members, friends, and colleagues show up in loss has reinforced for me the importance of respecting these differences. Personality Dimensions® provides a helpful lens to understand why grief looks different and how we can support one another with empathy.
Grief is complex; it can be raw and visible or quiet and internal. Some of us find comfort in rituals and traditions, while others want action or distraction. Some share their feelings easily, while others need solitude to process.
When these differences aren’t understood, they can create misunderstandings: “Why isn’t she crying? Doesn’t she care?” “Why can’t he hold it together?”
There are the people who need lots of hugs and those who retreat further because they are so uncomfortable with hugs. What appears as judgement can compound the pain of loss. Recognizing that grief is shaped by personality helps us move from judgment to compassion.
While everyone is unique, personality gives us broad insights into how people may experience and express grief:
Authentic Blue – It’s about the relationships. They may need to talk, share memories, and feel connected. Their grief can be deep and visible, and they may long for comfort and understanding. And they often seek hugs.
Organized Gold – Finds stability in structure and responsibility. They may appear to be driven by focusing on what needs to be done; funeral arrangements, meals, or keeping routines steady. This can look “practical” to others, but it’s often how they find meaning and control in difficult times.
Inquiring Green – The need to understand. They may grieve by asking questions, reflecting on the “why,” or finding philosophical or spiritual frameworks to make sense of loss. They may appear distant or overly analytical, but often they are just processing internally.
Resourceful Orange – Expresses grief in bursts. They may need activity or distraction, showing resilience one moment and breaking down the next. Sometimes they turn to humour or action as a coping mechanism, which others can misread as avoidance.
The Introversion/Extraversion dimension adds another layer. Introverts need space and solitude to process, reflecting privately or with other close family and friends. Extraverts find healing in conversation, storytelling, or being surrounded by others. It can be difficult to understand that Introverted friends and family don’t necessarily want to join larger gatherings, particularly right away. These overlays can explain why one person wants quiet reflection while another longs for a family gathering. Both are valid, and both deserve respect.
One of the most loving things we can do is honour the fact that grief looks different for each of us. What feels healing to one person may feel overwhelming or empty to someone else. Respect means not forcing your style of grieving onto others, and recognizing that we’re all different.
A few reminders:
- Resist the urge to compare: “They’re taking it better than I am” or “They should be grieving more.”
- Offer empathy instead of judgment: “I see you’re grieving differently than I am. What do you need right now?”
- Remember that grief is not static; someone who is quiet today may want to talk tomorrow. Someone busy with tasks now may break down later.
Supporting others in their grief—practical ways to meet people where they are:
- For Organized Golds, they may appreciate having tasks or arrangements to manage.
- For Authentic Blues, offer conversation and shared memories.
- For Inquiring Greens, respect their need for space and reflecting on what happened.
- For Resourceful Oranges, join them in an activity or accept that they may grieve in bursts.And for yourself? Give permission to grieve your way—without apology.
Grief isn’t a competition. When grief looks different, it isn’t a sign of more or less love. It’s a reflection of our personality and how we navigate one of life’s hardest journeys. Personality Dimensions® reminds us that the best gift we can offer is respect for those differences. The next time you witness someone grieving in a way that doesn’t match your own, pause and remember: they are grieving in their way—and that’s okay.
Retrieved from https://personalitydimensions.com/when-grief-looks-different/
Certified Personality Dimensions Facilitator Tammy Adams, loves to problem solve, inspire and motivate others who are ready and committed to change. Tammy has spent over 30 years in the field of education and as a Certified Life/Executive Coach Tammy teaches individuals to challenge and conquer their limiting beliefs and insecurities to create the life of their choosing. As a Grief Recovery Method Specialist Tammy understands that unresolved grief can limit an individual’s capacity for happiness and is gifted at supporting individuals through the pain and isolation cause by an emotional loss, of any kind, to a place of happiness they believed no longer existed. A Tammy client testimonial, “Tammy helped me unpack the baggage and put a smile on my face in the process. It’s a rare quality for someone to fully listen without judgement yet still steer you in the right direction.”
To learn more about Intuitive Understanding please visit www.tadams.ca or contact Tammy by email at tdadams@rogers.com