In this guest blog I am sharing the wisdom of Grief Recovery Specialist, Russell Friedman, from The Grief Recovery Institute. I hope you find this blog helpful.
Have you ever said “I’m fine” when nothing could be further from the truth?… So have we so you’re in the right place! A common thread running through some of the articles we have written is the misinformation we were all subjected to about processing the normal emotions caused by loss. We do not want to create any new loss issues by blaming our parents in particular or society in general for having passed on ineffective ideas, skills, and tools for dealing with loss. All we want to do is help establish that what we have been using to process our sad, painful, or negative feelings hasn’t worked, and that we need to acquire more effective tools for dealing with loss events. Much of the incorrect information we learned and practiced may have convinced us not to show our REAL feelings at any cost. We were taught to bury any feelings that dealt with sadness. We were taught: “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.” This and hundreds of other clichés about dealing with sad feelings taught us to lie about how we felt. And even the lying was protected under other misinformation like: “Don’t burden others with your feelings.”
When we make public appearances we often ask large audiences this question: “Do you like being lied to?” Of course no one says yes. Our next question is: “How many of you have ever said ‘I’M FINE’ when you were feeling terrible?” Every single hand in the audience goes up. Conclusion: Nobody likes being lied to…and everybody lies about their feelings. If this were a physical illness it would be an epidemic and the Center for Disease Control would be granted billions of dollars to find a cure. Every time we lie to others we lie to ourselves. Our subconscious mind hears the lie and continues to bury the feelings generated by the initial event. Unresolved losses are cumulative, and cumulatively negative. Time does not heal the pain caused by loss and neither does lying about our feelings. It would be impossible to cure such a massive problem in a single blog, but let’s try for a little bit of recovery. Allow yourself to believe that the subconscious will take actions based on conscious commands. When we lied and said we were fine, we told it that there was no problem so it need not search out a solution. The net effect is to allow the cause of the problem to go unattended and rebury itself. The next time it attacks we may not be able to recognize the cause or source of the attack.
Tell the truth about how you feel!
A major key to recovery is to process every feeling in the moment you have it. It does not require any special skills to tell the emotional truth about what you are feeling. For example: “How are you?” … “I’m having a tough day, thanks for asking.” Notice that the answer is truthful but does not invite any help or advice. It also has the capacity of serving notice that you are not on your game and the other party can respond accordingly. When you say “I’m fine,” but you’re not, you have sent a very confusing message.
QUESTION: Sometimes I tell people “I’m fine” and they don’t believe me. Why not?
ANSWER: Approximately 20% of your ability to communicate is verbal, leaving about 80% as nonverbal. Nonverbal communication includes tone of voice as well as facial and body signals. When our verbal and nonverbal signals do not match, most people will respond to the nonverbal. So when you lie, most people can SEE it.
Tammy Adams loves to problem solve, inspire and motivate others who are ready and committed to change. Tammy has spent over 30 years in the field of education and as a Certified Life and Executive Coach Tammy teaches individuals to challenge and conquer their limiting beliefs and insecurities to create the life of their choosing. As a Grief Recovery Method Specialist Tammy understands that unresolved grief can limit an individual’s capacity for happiness and is gifted at supporting individuals through the pain and isolation cause by an emotional loss, of any kind, to a place of happiness they believed no longer existed. Tammy’s clients say, “Tammy helped me unpack the baggage and put a smile on my face in the process. It’s a rare quality for someone to fully listen without judgement but yet still steer you in the right direction.”